Belonging

My purpose in writing this is to acknowledge challenges we each face, while illuminating soul strengthening practices.

Life looks quite different for me than it has ever looked.

Like many of you, I was raised in ways that taught me to develop extremely unhealthy coping patterns. I went much of my life completely unaware of the complex trauma bubbling and festering under the surface, informing my behavior.

I’ve wrestled with powerful demons in this life. For the last 7 years I lived under the beliefs that I deserved to be abused, I thought I was a terrible person, I was sad and alone, even in my relationships. I believed that it was not safe to form attachments with others.

I believed this because it was what the world had shown me. Subsequently, I was lost to the cruelty of others for a long time.

After spending 6 years in back to back abusive relationships. I knew that if I wanted to break the cycle, I was going to have to break up with the abuser inside my own mind. Beyond that, I had to look back and acknowledge the myriad ways that I engaged in abusive behaviors, both toward myself and others. This is far easier said than done as anyone who was abused as a child knows, those channels are deep. Intense coping patterns develop that seem nearly impossible to break. 

I’ve done a variety of hard things in my life, but nothing has taken as much courage and resolve as wrestling with the cruel voices that took up residence inside my own mind. 

I will not go into the details of my personal trauma. I will say, for much of my life I tricked myself into thinking I was not affected by the abandonment, sexual, physical and verbal abuse I experienced as a child. Was I wrong. Anyone else who was sexually abused a child and has faced it knows, those tangles run deep. It is incredibly difficult to discover how twisted your sense of self-worth, safety, and stability become because of something like that. There are countless ways that I was affected and impacted by that experience that I am still untangling. 

For those of you who have known me for a while, you’ve been able to see some of the struggles I’ve gone through. I wish more people had the capacity to reach out and offer heart to hearts when people are in need. In my experience 99% of people will judge and criticize others, while 1% of people have the capacity to pull you in close and have a heart to heart. 

It makes me cry to think about how far gone I was into the tunnel of isolation, depression, anxiety, and abuse for 7 years.

I am writing this to you because I wish someone would have clued me into terms like complex PTSD and reactive attachment disorder when I needed it. I wish someone could have illuminated all the ways abandonment and childhood sexual, verbal, and physical abuse can affect you. 

I am who I am now thanks to a very small handful of people. I can count the people on one hand who were truly there for me in my times of need. I owe my life to them.

Two years ago, I dissolved the woman that found herself caked in the clay of the world. Thanks to the help of a handful of people, I left my last abusive relationship. If not for them, I would have never made it out.

That’s when I started praying. I prayed to no God in particular, but I acknowledged far greater and mysterious powers at work in this world. I learned to speak and listen to the water and nature. I learned to hear the voice inside of my heart and trust in its guidance. 

I now have faith in my heart that the energy of nature is alive in all of us. If you listen to your heart, you too will find your way. It takes a great deal of humility to acknowledge your smallness compared to the grandness of nature and this mystery we all find ourselves co-existing in.

The happiest people I have met throughout this world are connected to nature. I saw it in the hillside villages of the Himalayas. I saw it in Southern Oaxaca at the permaculture farm that I lived and volunteered on. I saw it in the Cambodian, Laotian, and Chinese countryside.

There is a very real world that we all live in. We are nature. We are real. This earth is real. This magic mirror is something spectacular, no doubt, but holy damn does it create distortion and fractured lies inside of us all.

It seems to me that so many people are struggling right now. I notice people looking sick and feeling deeply disconnected from their hearts and souls everywhere I look. I notice people wrestling with serious demons and feelings of isolation. It seems that just about everyone is living with baseline anxiety and depression. 

As I return to the world, I realize I’m not the only one who has experienced extreme abuse. I see that it has become the norm to slander others, judge, criticize, and make assumptions based on 2D words and representation of others. It’s like we’ve forgotten that each person is a complex 3D multi-layered individual. 

I hope each of us can acknowledge the role we’ve played in the cycle of abuse. I hope by doing so we can create a kinder and gentler world that allows each human to thrive and come into the gifts of their soul. I hope we each can become real as we practice humility, empathy, and forgiveness. 

We are all far more sensitive to the energy of our environment, our community, and our loved ones than most of us realize. For anyone who spends any amount of time in their heart, it means you’re alive if you’re overtaken over by the grief of our World at times.

To me, daily practices that strengthen the soul offer the best medicine to face the difficulties of life. Fortunately there are many ways to strengthen the soul, here are a few of my favorites.

Life is getting harder and harder as we’re all feeling the crunch of billionaires hoarding wealth and comparing rockets while the rest of us work harder, yet feel like we can barely provide for our families. Many of us feel like there’s no time for the activities listed above. The health of your soul is your vitality and life force. Having a strong connection with your soul and mother earth can help you face the darkest days knowing that you are supported and cared for. 

I share this with the hope that each of us can learn to see each other through the eye of the heart. Almost everyone I know is struggling in one way or another. I don’t know how to get from here to a place where there is more equity, kindness, empathy in our society in the blink of an eye. I do know that as people strengthen their souls, day by day, they create a world that they and others actually want to live in.

If you would like to connect with me, here’s how:

Movement - It’s true. It’s been 7 years since I closed the gyms and I still love jumping around and expressing playful movement as much as ever. Your physical health is just about the most important thing in this world. I’m curating intimate training groups in my garden in the millcreek/murray area. Message me if you’d like a special invite to join The Rebellious Hearts Club.

Music and Art Lessons- Guided by both discipline and improv. Music and art lessons take place in my home and art studio. 

Photoshoot- if you’re ready to show up and be seen.

Forgiveness Support- I believe everyone who shows up in our lives offering us a chance to embody forgiveness helps us become real. Weak hearts never had to truly forgive others. The strongest and most courageous people I know embody forgiveness. You can forgive others while cultivating and practicing self-protection. If you would like help in forgiving yourself or others I would love to offer you support. Forgiveness is the fast track to inner peace.

Wander Wonder- Is a program offered and sponsored by Mentally Healthy Fit. If you’re not yet acquainted with this non-profit I highly recommend checking them out. They offer mental health awareness in a variety of creative ways. I get to guide the wander wonder program which offers a short walk through nature followed by an art activity. We meet at a variety of locations in the Salt Lake City area and it’s free. The young at heart of all ages are invited. Check out their website for more details. I’d love to see you there. 

(Side Note for Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors) For women who were sexually abused under the age of 18, there is a local organization that proves that angels exist. Check out saprea.org to apply to attend a free retreat. I attended the retreat just over a month ago and can not tell you how much my life has changed because of what I learned and experienced there. In addition, the connections I made with the other women have been so healing. I’m so grateful to call each one of those incredibly kind and courageous women friends.

Finally, here are a few photos of life lately. How different this life looks than my world did when it was ruled by the beliefs of a child who was stuck on abandoned, abused, unsafe, sad & alone setting. Real change is possible. I’m living proof that people can change when they change their core beliefs. I did not do this alone. We all need each other. After a lifetime of searching for belonging all around the world, I’ve come to realize, I’m right where I belong.