My purpose in writing this is to acknowledge challenges we each face, while illuminating soul strengthening practices.

Life looks quite different for me than it has ever looked.

Like many of you, I was raised in ways that taught me to develop extremely unhealthy coping patterns. I went much of my life completely unaware of the complex trauma bubbling and festering under the surface, informing my behavior.

I’ve wrestled with powerful demons in this life. For the last 7 years I lived under the beliefs that I deserved to be abused, I thought I was a terrible person, I was sad and alone, even in my relationships. I believed that it was not safe to form attachments with others.

I believed this because it was what the world had shown me. Subsequently, I was lost to the cruelty of others for a long time.

After spending 6 years in back to back abusive relationships. I knew that if I wanted to break the cycle, I was going to have to break up with the abuser inside my own mind. Beyond that, I had to look back and acknowledge the myriad ways that I engaged in abusive behaviors, both toward myself and others. This is far easier said than done as anyone who was abused as a child knows, those channels are deep. Intense coping patterns develop that seem nearly impossible to break. 

I’ve done a variety of hard things in my life, but nothing has taken as much courage and resolve as wrestling with the cruel voices that took up residence inside my own mind. 

I will not go into the details of my personal trauma. I will say, for much of my life I tricked myself into thinking I was not affected by the abandonment, sexual, physical and verbal abuse I experienced as a child. Was I wrong. Anyone else who was sexually abused a child and has faced it knows, those tangles run deep. It is incredibly difficult to discover how twisted your sense of self-worth, safety, and stability become because of something like that. There are countless ways that I was affected and impacted by that experience that I am still untangling. 

For those of you who have known me for a while, you’ve been able to see some of the struggles I’ve gone through. I wish more people had the capacity to reach out and offer heart to hearts when people are in need. In my experience 99% of people will judge and criticize others, while 1% of people have the capacity to pull you in close and have a heart to heart. 

It makes me cry to think about how far gone I was into the tunnel of isolation, depression, anxiety, and abuse for 7 years.

I am writing this to you because I wish someone would have clued me into terms like complex PTSD and reactive attachment disorder when I needed it. I wish someone could have illuminated all the ways abandonment and childhood sexual, verbal, and physical abuse can affect you. 

I am who I am now thanks to a very small handful of people. I can count the people on one hand who were truly there for me in my times of need. I owe my life to them.

Two years ago, I dissolved the woman that found herself caked in the clay of the world. Thanks to the help of a handful of people, I left my last abusive relationship. If not for them, I would have never made it out.

That’s when I started praying. I prayed to no God in particular, but I acknowledged far greater and mysterious powers at work in this world. I learned to speak and listen to the water and nature. I learned to hear the voice inside of my heart and trust in its guidance. 

I now have faith in my heart that the energy of nature is alive in all of us. If you listen to your heart, you too will find your way. It takes a great deal of humility to acknowledge your smallness compared to the grandness of nature and this mystery we all find ourselves co-existing in.

The happiest people I have met throughout this world are connected to nature. I saw it in the hillside villages of the Himalayas. I saw it in Southern Oaxaca at the permaculture farm that I lived and volunteered on. I saw it in the Cambodian, Laotian, and Chinese countryside.

There is a very real world that we all live in. We are nature. We are real. This earth is real. This magic mirror is something spectacular, no doubt, but holy damn does it create distortion and fractured lies inside of us all.

It seems to me that so many people are struggling right now. I notice people looking sick and feeling deeply disconnected from their hearts and souls everywhere I look. I notice people wrestling with serious demons and feelings of isolation. It seems that just about everyone is living with baseline anxiety and depression. 

As I return to the world, I realize I’m not the only one who has experienced extreme abuse. I see that it has become the norm to slander others, judge, criticize, and make assumptions based on 2D words and representation of others. It’s like we’ve forgotten that each person is a complex 3D multi-layered individual. 

I hope each of us can acknowledge the role we’ve played in the cycle of abuse. I hope by doing so we can create a kinder and gentler world that allows each human to thrive and come into the gifts of their soul. I hope we each can become real as we practice humility, empathy, and forgiveness. 

We are all far more sensitive to the energy of our environment, our community, and our loved ones than most of us realize. For anyone who spends any amount of time in their heart, it means you’re alive if you’re overtaken over by the grief of our World at times.

To me, daily practices that strengthen the soul offer the best medicine to face the difficulties of life. Fortunately there are many ways to strengthen the soul, here are a few of my favorites.

Life is getting harder and harder as we’re all feeling the crunch of billionaires hoarding wealth and comparing rockets while the rest of us work harder, yet feel like we can barely provide for our families. Many of us feel like there’s no time for the activities listed above. The health of your soul is your vitality and life force. Having a strong connection with your soul and mother earth can help you face the darkest days knowing that you are supported and cared for. 

I share this with the hope that each of us can learn to see each other through the eye of the heart. Almost everyone I know is struggling in one way or another. I don’t know how to get from here to a place where there is more equity, kindness, empathy in our society in the blink of an eye. I do know that as people strengthen their souls, day by day, they create a world that they and others actually want to live in.

If you would like to connect with me, here’s how:

Movement - It’s true. It’s been 7 years since I closed the gyms and I still love jumping around and expressing playful movement as much as ever. Your physical health is just about the most important thing in this world. I’m curating intimate training groups in my garden in the millcreek/murray area. Message me if you’d like a special invite to join The Rebellious Hearts Club.

Music and Art Lessons- Guided by both discipline and improv. Music and art lessons take place in my home and art studio. 

Photoshoot- if you’re ready to show up and be seen.

Forgiveness Support- I believe everyone who shows up in our lives offering us a chance to embody forgiveness helps us become real. Weak hearts never had to truly forgive others. The strongest and most courageous people I know embody forgiveness. You can forgive others while cultivating and practicing self-protection. If you would like help in forgiving yourself or others I would love to offer you support. Forgiveness is the fast track to inner peace.

Wander Wonder- Is a program offered and sponsored by Mentally Healthy Fit. If you’re not yet acquainted with this non-profit I highly recommend checking them out. They offer mental health awareness in a variety of creative ways. I get to guide the wander wonder program which offers a short walk through nature followed by an art activity. We meet at a variety of locations in the Salt Lake City area and it’s free. The young at heart of all ages are invited. Check out their website for more details. I’d love to see you there. 

(Side Note for Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors) For women who were sexually abused under the age of 18, there is a local organization that proves that angels exist. Check out saprea.org to apply to attend a free retreat. I attended the retreat just over a month ago and can not tell you how much my life has changed because of what I learned and experienced there. In addition, the connections I made with the other women have been so healing. I’m so grateful to call each one of those incredibly kind and courageous women friends.

Finally, here are a few photos of life lately. How different this life looks than my world did when it was ruled by the beliefs of a child who was stuck on abandoned, abused, unsafe, sad & alone setting. Real change is possible. I’m living proof that people can change when they change their core beliefs. I did not do this alone. We all need each other. After a lifetime of searching for belonging all around the world, I’ve come to realize, I’m right where I belong. 

Over the past few years, we have all experienced a hollowing of culture, family and ancestral connection. Additionally, the way we see ourselves has shifted as we continually merge with the magic mirror. 

We have all experienced the anxiety and depression that comes from depriving humans of exactly what it means to be human.

No matter your culture, heritage, or skin color, it is your birthright to celebrate being alive. Not just in the churches, dance halls, or over zoom.

We need rituals to anchor us to our ancestors and our traditions. No matter if you are ¼ or an ⅛ something, even if you don’t know the traditions of your ancestors, or if you’re a stranger in a strange land. Study after study confirms, the happiest people are those who feel connected to cultural celebrations, and those who regularly gather with friends and family to celebrate being alive. 

I have had the pleasure of living throughout Asia for years of my life. I was astounded by the number of festivals and holidays that populate their calendar. It seemed like there was always a reason to celebrate and feast. 

As the machine and capitalist thinking fuses with our holidays and traditions, we need to remember our roots now more than ever. We need to remember that celebration has nothing to do with what we buy at the store. As culture orphans in the United states, many of us are grappling with meaning without traditions. 

Meaning, as I learned late in life, comes from belonging. In your family, and your community. It is in needing others and being needed. Meaning is found in moments of play as you come together with friends and family to feast, sing and dance. 

As the earth blooms with creative energy, may your life bloom with creativity, energy and strength. May you gather with the people you care about. And may you remember, you are free to be anyone you want to be. 

Pictured above: An image of Nepali women as they gathered for a… business meeting.

It’s ok that you didn’t know better. 

You come from a long line of pain, in-equity, abuse, neglect, power-struggles, abandonment… the list goes on.

The rivers of this earth bleed with generations of ancestral trauma.

We forgot.

And now, we are remembering.

The beauty of the cosmos that live inside each of us. 

The humans of this planet are walking out of their pain caves. 

One by one.

Greeting the miracle of every moment with the water that connects us all pouring out of their gleaming eyes.

Even in death, love does not disappear.

It is all around you.

It is in you. 

But you forgot.

You said it’s over there.

Beyond that.

In them. 

But certainly not in them.

Civilizations rise and fall. Empires are lost to the talons of history. Humans attack and destroy one another. Over the great fallacy. The human idea that there is only one way. One truth. That we all must adhere to.

And if you don’t, I will make you suffer. 

In my holy righteous rage. 

Vengeance grows.

More is lost.

Without forgiveness, this world is bound to repeat the same mistakes of our ancestors. 

F-O-R-E-V-E-R

The cycle stops. 

When each and everyone one of us forgives everyone.

But I couldn’t possibly forgive X you say.

Don’t you realize, they too were raised in the same broken system as you?

They too were neglected, abused, told they weren’t worthy. They too were oppressed. Down-trodden. They too were implanted with the idea that robs each and everyone of us of our power. That feeling that drives capitalism. 

The feeling that allows you to aspire to own multiple houses while others have none.

The feeling is unworthiness. 

This feeling blankets our planet. 

These Nepali children are the down-trodden. 

They are the other. 

These faces, these miracles are being punished. 

It’s not us, it’s the Universe.

It’s their karma.

They have been born into “Dalit” families.

The Dalit are the untouchables. 

They are the lowest caste throughout India & Nepal.

They work the dirtiest of jobs. They are obligated to. 

Because of their caste. Their lot. Their karma.

These children are heading toward a tunnel of painful discrimination.

The Dalit once carried cups around to catch their spit. Even the sidewalk was holier than they. 

Higher castes wash themselves after touching the Dalit. The Dalit can not touch the water vessels of higher castes. Or food. Their filth will contaminate it. They often live in separate villages. 

Excluded.

Society goes on like this. Now. As you read this. The Dalit are struggling under thousands of years of oppression. Of segregation. Of separateness. 

We are entering a new age of segregation. Of separateness. Of oppression. 

We have been selected to live at this incredible time. 

The tide will turn, if we can forgive.

We are remembering.

All that is here. All that is being unearthed. 

Me and you, and all the people of the world who are waking up. We are each taking ice picks to thousands and thousands of years of subterranean perma-frost. 

Where we stand, we chip away at the ice. 

Others say, don’t take my ground.

We say it was never ground to begin with.

It is the illusion. 

Of separateness. 

Of right and wrong. 

The illusion of good and evil.

Of punishment. 

The illusion that segregation equals safety.

We are doing it, again.

We can not point our finger out of this mess.

Keep the dirty ones separate. 

Families are being torn apart. 

It is here. 

The pain.

Of an epoch. 

Is being unearthed.

We have awoken the monsters that have been silently swimming in the deep. We are exposing them.

This is a time of revelation. 

The mirrors, are closing in. 

They are not walls. 

We can no longer look away. 

It is almost blinding, everywhere you look. 

But the light doesn’t have to blind you. 

When you emancipate yourself from the mother of Grendel within yourself. 

You are free. 

To walk.

Out of your cave.

Whole. 

Eternal and complete in your soul.

When you reclaim your power. 

The pain that once obscured your vision, vanishes. 

The eye inside your heart opens. 

You will see a world of wounded humans. 

Humans abusing one another and their home.

It seems terminal.

You will seek refuge in the arms of those who are like you.

Sensitive. Awake.

You will feel it. Deeply.

You will be confronted with horrific pain and guilt. You are a part of a society that treats “criminals”, children, women, minorities, the abused, the disabled, animals, our rivers, like worthless garbage.

It will bring you to your knees.

Over and over again.

Your body has been designed to feel. 

To feel it all. 

The grief. The pain. The hurt.

The love. The ecstasy. The joy

I know it’s hard. 

This world is in pain. 

Some will die by the sword of their own splintered heart.

Forgive them.

Forgive yourself. 

We are doing our absolute best. 

You are doing your best. 

It’s no one’s fault that these little children are… oh wait…

They’re happy. They’re children.

The young ones haven’t yet been touched by the cruelty of this world.

They eyes of the older children reveal what’s coming.

Children. 

The ones who haven’t yet learned to look away.

The cruelty of this world hasn’t poisoned them yet. 

They don’t yet know that they’re unworthy. 

Because they’re not. 

And neither are you.

Forgiveness is changing my life. 

I could not forgive others until I forgave myself.

Despite my deepest desire to only bring love and kindness into this world, I have also brought pain and suffering into this world. My sensitive heart has cracked many times. I have been lost in the reactive echos of my own pain cave hundreds of times. 

I wish it weren’t so. I wish I knew better back then. 

But I didn’t. 

I am sorry. To everyone I have ever forced to drink from the waters of my pain. 

I truly am sorry.

and

I forgive you. 

We have all been orphaned by indifference. 

When everyone one this planet forgives one another, the “them” problem goes away.

Greed, abuse, shame, and fear release.

A truly healthy society does not need an external power to guide them.

They all know it lives inside of them. The children will not be conditioned to forget.

Discord wields a loaded gun.

History will repeat itself. 

Until we all practice forgiveness.

United forgiveness.

You will have to give up the power that you are siphoning off this resentment. 

The high it gives you to sit in your holy rage. 

That power is standing between you and your well of energy.

That’s part of the illusion. 

The power we get from being right. 

From punishing others. 

The power we get from acting like a victim, and a hero.

There is a power that never goes away. The well never runs dry. 

Once you reach the water, you will remember. 

Teach others.

Forgive freely.

Your parents, your siblings, your exes, your abusers.

Forgive everyone. 

Start close in. 

It is my deepest wish that the children of this world inherit a land of love, kindness, forgiveness, compassion, generosity, safety, and freedom.

I believe we can give it to them.

This is a sacred prayer.  If you felt it, please share it. 

If you would like to enter into a season of forgiveness in your life, I would love  to send you an image of a miracle. Along with a message of forgiveness. 

I will give a portion of the proceeds to the children pictured. I am still in direct contact with the  non-profit organization who orchestrated the creation of these images with me. They are doing their best to bring love, kindness, and equity to these children. 

If you would like to have one of these images on your wall, or would like to gift an image to a friend.  Donate to this prayer & share forgiveness with the world.

Include in your message the photo(s) you want printed, along with your mailing address.

Contact me directly to send these images as gifts.

(Contact info included below.)

All images printed on matte photo paper sized 8 1/2 “X 11”

Suggested donation $55 per image.

Minimum donation of $15 per/ print (if you live in the states). 

Give what you can. 

And know that you are sharing the message of forgiveness. 

Purchase before Sunday, December 19th to receive before Christmas.

Each image will come with a prayer of forgiveness included.

To donate click here.

Or scan the code below

With great pain comes an even  greater capacity to forgive and to love.

May love find you when you least expect it.

All my love,

Carrie

Contact me here

Feel free to send questions & love.